無辜的小鬼（中英）　宣化上人主講

一輩子的痛

A lifetime of Pain

◎楊果同
Guo-Tong Yang

當初我沒有墮胎，今天會有另一個生命可以活在世上。
所以現在我無法當一個驕傲的母親，心中永遠有一個充滿慚愧的痛！
If I didn't have an abortion, there would be one more life in the world today. Accordingly, there is no way for me to be a proud mother, with the pain of shame and regret forever in my heart!

在一九八八年十月，我做了一件終生後悔的事──墮胎。那時高中剛畢業，知道自己懷孕後，心中只怕讓母親丟臉，也沒讓家人知道，就找了要好的同學商量。我的同學馬上告訴我，她知道哪裏可以墮胎，於是我們就去了那間私人醫院，短短三十分鐘就結束了一切（包含一條生命）。
   　    
In October of 1988, I did something that I regretted for the rest of my life – I had an abortion. At the time, I just graduated from high school, and when I realized that I was pregnant, the only thing on my mind was not to disgrace my mother. Therefore, without telling my family about my pregnancy, I consulted one of my friends. She immediately told me that she knew where to get an abortion, so we went to a private hospital. The entire procedure was over in merely 30 minutes (and this included ending a life).
   　    
事情結束後，白天的我，看不出有任何改變；但每到夜晚，我都是哭著和那條生命說對不起，哭到睡著。心中一直覺得很難過，很對不起那個孩子，經歷了半年，心情才慢慢平靜下來。最終和那位男友也分手了，因為每當看到他，我就想起我是一個殘忍的人，我剝奪了一個小孩的生存權。
   　    
After the abortion, although no one could notice any change in me during the day time, I cried myself to sleep every night while apologizing to the life that I terminated. I felt really bad that I let the baby down, and it took me half a year to regain my peace of mind. Later on, I broke up with my boyfriend, because every time I saw him, I was reminded of my cruelty of depriving a child’s right to live.
   　    
事情過去三年後，我幾乎要忘了這件事。有一天晚上，我和二專的同學下課後騎車回家，在十字路口時發生車禍，我摔到馬路中間，結果並無大礙。但是當我站起來走到馬路邊後，我嚇了一大跳，路口那間醫院正是我去墮胎的醫院，當時我心中驚呼：「真是太巧合了！」
   　    
Three years later, I almost forgot about this series of events. One evening, I was on my way home, riding a bicycle with my college classmates. Unfortunately, at an intersection, I was in an accident involving a car. Although I fell down in the middle of the road, I was not badly hurt. After I stood up and walked to the road side, I was startled when I recognized the hospital near the intersection – it was where I had my abortion! I was astounded by this incredible coincidence.
   　    
又過了半年，我認識了新的男朋友，他帶領我接觸佛教，並鼓勵我學佛。學佛後的我，才知道原來我所犯下的，是最重的罪，但已經無法挽回了！只能誦經迴向或參加法會、立超度牌位來懺悔自己的過錯。現在我已結婚生子，看到自己的孩子健康長大，心中常會想，如果當初我沒有墮胎，今天也會有另一個生命可以生活在這個世上！所以我根本無法當一個驕傲的母親，心中永遠有一個充滿慚愧的痛！
   　    
Six months later, I met a boyfriend. He introduced me to Buddhism and encouraged me to study the Buddhadharma. It was after I studied the Buddhardharma that I realized I committed the most serious offense of killing. However, it was too late to undo what I did. The only things I could do were to repent of my mistakes, recite sutras and transfer the resulting merit to the aborted child, participate in Dharma Assemblies, and set up rebirth plagues for the aborted child. Now I am married and have children. When I watch my children growing up healthy, I often think that if I didn’t have an abortion, there would be one more life in this world. Accordingly, there is no way for me to be a proud mother, with the pain of shame and regret forever in my heart!
   　    
二○○七年四月下旬，我作了一個夢，夢中我看到法師在幫一位居士剃頭，宣公上人從旁邊經過。我看到上人好高興，就趕緊跟上去，我一直緊追在上人的後面。後來上人進入一個禮堂，有二位法師守在門口，在我前面有一位居士想進去，結果被阻擋；我也不怕，只想趕緊跟進去，結果她們並沒有阻止我。
   　    
I had a dream in the latter half of April, 2007. In the dream, I saw a Dharma Master shaving the head of a layperson (i.e., a part of the ceremony when one becomes a monastic), and the Venerable Master Hua was passing by. I was very happy to see the Venerable Master, so I hurried after him. The Venerable Master entered a hall, where two Dharma Masters stood guard at its entrance. A layperson in front of me tried to enter, but his way was blocked. However, I wasn’t afraid; the only thing I wanted to do is to follow the Venerable Master. To my surprise, no one stopped me when I tried to enter.
   　    
當我進入禮堂後，禮堂內非常肅穆莊嚴，但我沒有看到上人的身影。當時我心中非常著急與驚慌，只有一個念頭就是：失去了這次機會，我似乎就要死了。接著，就低頭伏跪在地上痛哭。這時，突然聽到空中傳來一句：「求哀懺悔！」我立刻從夢中驚醒過來。醒來後，對於夢中驚恐的感覺，還是十分真實，而且眼淚一直不由自主地流下來，心臟跳得很厲害，當時是早上七點。
   　    
After entering the hall, I found the interior very solemn and adorned, but I didn’t see the Venerable Master. I was really worried and alarmed. The only thought I had was: “If I miss this opportunity, I would die.” So I knelt on the floor and wept. Suddenly, I heard a voice in the air saying: “Seek compassion, repent and reform!” Upon hearing this, I was startled awake. The feeling of panic and fear was still very vivid, my heart was racing and I couldn’t stop crying. It was seven o’clock in the morning.

我腦中一直反覆思考：什麼是「求哀懺悔」？要如何做到「求哀懺悔」呢？我想這是上人解救我的一個方法，我要好好把握，不可以再錯過。後來我打電話詢問法師該如何「求哀懺悔」？法師慈悲教導我禮拜《佛說佛名經》，當時萬佛聖城也正在舉行萬佛懺。
   　    
I kept on trying to figure out the meaning of “Seek compassion, repent and reform,” and how to do so. I felt this was the way that the Venerable Master could save me, so I should treasure this opportunity. Later on, I called a Dharma Master and asked her how do I “seek compassion, repent and reform.” The Dharma Master compassionately instructed me to bow to the Sutra of the Buddha Speaking the Names of the Buddhas. It was amazing that when I made the call, CTTB was holding the Ten Thousand Buddhas’ Repentance Ceremony, where this Sutra was being recited.

我學佛後，除了懺悔自己所造墮胎的業，常想為什麼我沒有早一點學佛？如果這樣，我就不會犯下這種罪了。上人說過臺灣的殺業太重，太多人墮胎，我竟也是其中一人！我願意把自己的經歷說出來，警惕大眾千萬不要輕易造下墮胎、殺生的罪！未婚生子的難堪，跟殺生的罪比起來，根本微不足道。天下沒有什麼事是不能解決的，千萬不要選擇墮胎，生命消失後就再也不能挽回了！墮胎是想忘也忘不掉，而且是一輩子都無法彌補的過錯！
   　    
After I studied the Buddhadharma, in addition to repenting of the negative karma I created by having an abortion, I kept wondering why I had not studied the Buddhardharma earlier. If I had done so, I would not have committed this serious offense. The Venerable Master had mentioned that the karma resulting from killing was very heavy in Taiwan for too many people were having abortions. Unfortunately, I was one of them! I am sharing my experience in order to caution everyone not to hastily commit a killing offense by having an abortion. Compared to the retribution resulting from a killing offense, the embarrassment of giving birth to a child out of wedlock is really minor. There is nothing that can’t be solved in this world, and thus never ever choose abortion as a solution; once a life is terminated, we can never bring it back! I can’t forget my abortion even if I try, and it’s a wrong that I can never redress for the rest of my life.